Today, I have my friend Meg joining this month’s series on “I’m the problem in my growth as a Christian.” I enjoy Meg’s writing, she’s down-to-earth and honest. Aren’t we all looking for others that can just be real? I hope you enjoy her post! Head over to her site and check out it out!
God Knows Who You Are Even If You Don’t
By Meghan Weyerbacher
I was a young child, dreaming big and believing the sky was the limit. There was a whole life ahead of me and my heart was filled with boatloads of ideas and inspiration on a daily basis. Days were spent traipsing across farmer’s fields, playing in nearby creeks, and scouting my surroundings from our treehouse-wanna-be.
There was plenty of time to just be me, to explore and discover. No pressure laid therein to figure out who I was going to be when I grew up because life as a child moved by slowly -days seeming as weeks, a treasure most of us adults can say we truly do miss.
What happened to those inspired blue eyes, lit up by daily curiosities that led to adventures untold? Where did she go? Why did she end up wandering off into the world ready to fashion her to its own mold?
Why did she enter the world as an empty glass desperately needing to be filled?
I can now answer that after many years of trekking the trails of trying too hard and proving myself.
It probably started as a young child when I would follow my dad around everywhere he went. As he tinkered, I would gaze. He would go outside to mow the lush green grass. I would follow. I would tag along with my little plastic mower and cover the yard opposite him. Those were the days I felt he loved me most.
There were many times that he would rather not be bothered though, but desired to just get his work done peacefully by himself. On the days when I didn’t feel welcome, I took it as a rejection and my insides would curl up in a ball and cry. Those were the days I felt unwanted.
A Case of Mistaken Identity
Measuring my worth against the reactions of others toward myself became a rotten habit. Wearing my heart on my sleeve, I frequently took things too personally.
I became an expert at trading who I was for who I thought others wanted me to be, God included.
I knew about God and thought I believed, but I left His path in my teen years to blaze my own trail in hopes of fixing the messes I had made.
The enemy saw that I was desperate to fill the Daddy-sized hole inside from day one, and he was diligent to make sure there was always something to fill it or cover it with other than Daddy himself.
From my earthly dad’s approval to job titles, marriage, friendships or even child-bearing – all these things could never fill God’s shoes. They would hand me temporal relief and mask the deeply rooted junk for a while, but eventually, the hurts would resurface begging to be dealt with.
Being stubborn and strong, I held all the pain in and pushed through life blending in. I continued to live in a numb state and created a hard outer shell to protect my delicate insides.
When we moved back home, I bravely took steps back into the church building hoping to find my place there, but over time I became dissatisfied once again.
Why couldn’t I see that I was seeking answers about myself and about God from everyone and everything but God himself?
I was so bent on doing right and being strong that I never let myself be fully real with church leaders, and every church I went to this repetitive cycle always seemed to show its ugly face.
I thought I needed to be whole, to be strong, to be a good girl for God and others. What I needed was, to be honest, to let myself break before him and let it all out.
When I stopped trying to find my identity in every other place, I found His arms of mercy. I found hope in Grace.
He told me he never required me to try to figure out who I was and make things right before coming to him. It never would’ve been possible and it was always in his plans for Jesus to bridge the gap.
God crafted humanity in his very own image (see Genesis 1:27) and it was only when I got close enough to Him that I could tenderly see Jesus’ reflection smiling back at me.
No longer striving to prove myself, I live from a place of contentment in knowing who I am in my Father’s eyes.
Friend, we all have significance. We all matter to God. We all have a place in His arms, accepted as is. No need for fronts, no need to fight for a place of purpose. A Family Circus comic strip recently reminded me that we don’t divide our love amongst our children, we multiply it.
“You are the body of the Anointed, the Liberating King; each and every one of you is a vital member.”
1 Corinthians 12:27 The Voice