Forgiving the Past So Your Marriage Can Move Forward
Inside: We are often stuck in the past and when we use past grievances in our marriages, it does more harm than good. Here are 5 ways to forgive the past and move forward in your marriage!
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Today, I have the honor of participating in Beth’s series “Spring Clean Your Marriage” over at Messy Marriage. I hope you’ll stop over at her site and read all the posts she has for this series!
Can you relate?
Many times when my husband and I argue, I bring up the past. It’s a really bad habit, and I know it is, but there is something about bringing up dirty laundry that seems to put me on a higher pedestal (at least in my mind– I guess I have a problem with pride).
Actually, sometimes when I’m frustrated with my spouse, I will ruminate on how I’ve been hurt in the past. And we all know what we think about and focus on causes it to grow.
Isn’t that how it begins?
Bringing Up The Past
Ruminate on an action our spouse did, pout when we explain how we were hurt, and then argue to get our point across or to try and get our spouse to validate our feelings.
Guess what happens with that…the feelings grow more negative and the drift between the two of us just gets bigger and bigger.
Bringing up the past is like adding fuel to a fire. Add it to any relationship, and it explodes!
18 “But forget all that—
it is nothing compared to what I am going to do.
19 For I am about to do something new.
See, I have already begun! Do you not see it?
I will make a pathway through the wilderness.
I will create rivers in the dry wasteland.
The Answer to Problems in Marriage
Forgiveness is really the answer to all the problems we encounter in our marriages. Without it, we will never move forward.
Forgiveness is really the answer to all the problems we encounter in our marriages. Without it, we will never move forward.#marriage Share on XThe problem is forgiving our spouse sometimes isn’t an easy thing to do (and if there is abuse, please seek a professional).
If we step back for a minute, think of all the things we’ve done to God either blatantly, or even unconsciously, and realize that God forgives us and doesn’t hold it against us, we can then see why it’s so important to forgive those in our lives.
Can you imagine if God kept all the hurt we caused Him? How much that would
wear Him down? What a gift to us to forgive repeatedly.
Here’s the deal, forgiveness is required for us to heal from any hurt. It isn’t weak to forgive, and it benefits us more than the person we need to forgive.
In the Bible, the disciples ask Jesus how many times they are to forgive a brother (or sister, or parent, or spouse).
Continual Forgiveness
21 Then Peter came to him and asked, “Lord, how often should I forgive someone[a] who sins against me? Seven times?”
22 “No, not seven times,” Jesus replied, “but seventy times seven![b]
Don’t you think it’s interesting that in essence Jesus is telling us to always be ready to forgive because he knew we’d need to?
Friend- I know sometimes it’s so hard to forgive, and in your mind, it might feel like it’s giving the other person a free pass. When we forgive, it doesn’t mean the person is off the hook, it means the pain is real, but in order for you to move past, heal and grow, you need to forgive.
Now, this doesn’t mean that we can keep putting ourselves as a target for another person. We should put up boundaries to keep someone from continually hurting us. Seek professional help, and if it’s deemed that the relationship is toxic, move away from it!
The Meaning of Marriage: Facing the Complexities of Commitment with the Wisdom of God
Cherish: The One Word That Changes Everything for Your MarriageYou and Me Forever: Marriage in Light of EternitySacred Marriage: What If God Designed Marriage to Make Us Holy More Than to Make Us Happy?Boundaries in Marriage
Great advice as I’ve come to expect from you! My boyfriend and I are considering engagement and appreciate learning from solid Christian couples. Thank you!
Candice- God’s blessings on your relationship!
You’re so right! Forgiveness really is the answer to problems in marriages. We all need forgiveness, so it’s best to be generous with forgiving. And the more frequently we are willing to do this, the happier we are.
Anneliese- And forgiveness is so hard for us, humans, isn’t it?!?
Excellent reminder for a healthy marriage!
Ava- thanks so much!
Oh, where would our marriages be without forgiveness. I guess they wouldn’t be. My wife and I have done a lot of forgiving over the years and, after 27 years, I can say we need to continue forgiving. As you said, “…in the close union of marriage, mistakes, and hurt are always going to be a part. Two sinful humans living so close are going to create some hurts and pain.” Thank you for this encouragement.
Stephen-yes, our marriages need repeat forgiveness!
I have a tendency to mentally simmer over the unforgivable things my husband had done. I will not dare call him out on them but inwardly I press rewind over and over. It’s emotionally damaging to our marriage and it is toxic to my mind. After 37 years of marriage you would think I’d know better and do better. I’m a work in progress. Thanks Julie for pulling up the rug and revealing the dirt.
Calvonia- I’m a work in progress too! Aren’t we all? 🙂
I love what you said: “Bringing up the past is like adding fuel to a fire. Add it to any relationship, and it explodes!” It truly does. We model a Christian marriage when we offer grace and let the past GO.
Jessica- you’re right about that!
Good lesson to learn early in our marriages. It can save a lot of pain.
Beth- yes it would save us the pain!
Really great advice. I pray many will benefit from your words
Yvonne- thanks so much!
Powerful down to earth post Sister. You really packed a punch especially when you compared what we have put God through and He forgives us. Thanks for this awesome post! God Bless
God forgives me. I forgive others and I forgive myself.
Thank you for writing honestly and transparently. This is what it looks like in every marriage, and an honest capture of that allows us all to address the matter of continual forgiveness. That is what we are called to do in marriage. Sometimes we need to forgive wrongs we never expected to face. Bitterness destroys marriages and it destroys us, yet forgiveness can only be done with the help of God and the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ. We need that grace desperately, not just in marriage, but in all our relationships.
Powerful blog and a very important piece of wisdom we all need to learn. Thank you so much for this reminder and insight, Julie! God bless you. I agree with all you said.
What you said about “Can you imagine if God kept all the hurt we caused Him? How much that would wear Him down?” hit home. We must forgive because we’ve been forgiven… but it also takes SO MUCH emotional energy to hold onto the past. Letting go is liberating.
Amen Sister Great Post, I like to refer people to 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 about what love is and does. In a marriage, if we can focus on these verses many issues would be worked out smoother and many couples would still be married. Unless of course as you mentioned they are in an unsafe environment. God Bless
We women tend to have better memories–the better to beat them over their heads with the past. Great message here. We need to bite out tongues more. That’s a metoo moment of a different sort. God bless!
Nancy- I agree!
Great advice here. It’s hard not to take a bad moment and turn it into a bad day or week–or do lasting harm to our connections. Takes work and grace–and sometimes reflective time to process the pain as we work not to add to it.
I’m not there yet.
Nancy- thank you for sharing your wisdom
The ongoing challenge of marriage is forgiveness, for we are both human, and, therefore, we will both continue to sin. Yet, we are commanded by God to forgive, to let it go, to show mercy to the other as Christ has shown to us. This is the only way to preserve and to build a strong and lifelong marriage. A great post, Julie!
Yes, Julie, I do relate to this! I bring up hurt from the past and want my feelings validated. And I want my husband to own his actions and words…his missteps against me. It does cause my distance between us, especially if he doesn’t see it the same way as me. Forgiving is so hard and I’m forever grateful the Lord is not keeping all the sins I’ve committed against Him or a tally of the ways I’ve hurt Him.
Karen- thank you for sharing your wisdom!
Forgiveness is key! Thank you for the reminder.
S.A.- yes, forgiveness is important!
Thank you for such an encouraging post! So many couples hold onto wrongs for far too long, and as you pointed out, that doesn’t help the situation at all. Forgiveness is always the foundation for most everything and it is powerful. I have also found that acceptance is a major thing in a marriage, too. I’ve been married for 27 + years, and I’ve honestly stopped trying to change my husband. Really. It can be done! (LOL) There are things about my hubby that will always bug me, and I am sure he has things about me that bother him, as well, but in the long run, those things are minor – not a deal breaker. Accepting my husband with his foibles has been such a healing thing in my marriage. I highly recommend both!
Lisa- thank you for sharing your advice and wisdom! <3
Letting go of the past is hard but it makes such a difference for the good.
Nancy- I agree, but it helps propel us forward!
Yes, forgiving the past is critical for a healthy marriage!