Today Tanya Cowley is going to share a post for the series “I’m the Problem in My Growth as a Christian.” Tanya writes deeply and intently, she brings up deep thoughts and questions. I hope you enjoy the post!

“My heart pounds in my chest.

The terror of death assaults me.

Fear and trembling overwhelm me,

and I cannot stop shaking.

Oh, that I had wings like a dove;

then I would fly away and rest!

I would fly far away

to the quiet of the wilderness

How quickly I would escape—

far from this storm of hatred…

Everything is falling apart…

It is not an enemy who taunts me—

I could bear that.

It is not my foes who so arrogantly insult me—

I could have hidden from them.

Instead it is you—my equal,

my companion and close friend.

What good fellowship we once enjoyed

as we walked together to the house of God.

Let death stalk my enemies;

let the grave swallow them alive,

For evil makes its home within them” (Ps 55:4-8, 11a, 12-15 NLT).

Feelings mystify me. What exactly am I supposed to do with them?

Express them?

I’d rather not, especially when my feelings seem less than righteous by biblical standards. Sharing my shortcomings and sensitivities has as much appeal as a visit to the gynecologist and I do it about as often. However, with no emotional outlet, my brain is like a city with out trash service. Mounds of visceral clutter pollute my thoughts.

Yet, here is this psalm reeking of fear, betrayal, misery, and anger – a far cry from being strong, courageous, and of good cheer like the Bible repeatedly suggests. David, “a man after [God’s] own heart” (Acts 13:22), penned it. Here, he piles one graphic description of his feelings on top of another until he buries us underneath his despair.

Psalms like this grip my heart because I can relate.

Worry has consumed me.

Withdrawal has tempted me.

Wrath has absorbed me.

Anyone ever subjected to injustice at the hands of another has surely felt these things, just like David. When the king wrote this particular psalm, his son, Absalom, was overthrowing his kingdom. David’s trusted counselor and companion, Ahithophel, conspired with the rebellion. Imagine the treachery and understand the distress.

Although David was holy, he was human. He was subject to his sinful nature and that of others. A lot can be learned from how he dealt with his humanity, specifically how he poured his entire heart out to God.

Scriptures encourage us to keep it together with instructions like “don’t be afraid” (Is 41:10), “be slow to get angry” (Jas 1:19-20), and “be of good cheer” (Jn 16:33 KJV). But what if we don’t or aren’t?

In those moments, my own desire to be perceived as righteous and good hinders my faith.

I sugarcoat.

Instead of pouring out how I really feel to my Lord and Savior, I gloss over the ugly things.

I fashion clothing from the leaves of pretense to hide my nakedness, pretending to have it all together when God knows I don’t.  While I loathe being vulnerable to man, I’m equally afraid to be vulnerable with God.

David’s example demonstrates God’s concern for human emotion. Never forget that we are His image bearers – His children.

When we candidly reveal our soul, He listens.

 Not only is He strong enough to handle our weakness, but God also desires the intimacy originating from honesty.

Being real with God allows God to become more real to us. The more we trust God with our vulnerabilities, the more our faith grows. 

So humble yourselves under the mighty power of God, and at the right time he will lift you up in honor. Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you (1 Pt 5:7, NLT).

 

David embodied this. One of the fiercest warriors in existence exercised utter susceptibility before the Lord.

Be vulnerable.

Trust God with your turmoil.

In the midst of the outpouring, there exists a turning point in every imprecatory psalm — a moment where lament stops and truth prevails.

“But I will call on God,

And the LORD will rescue me.

Morning, noon, and night

I cry out in my distress,

and the LORD hears my voice.

He ransoms me and keeps me safe

From the battle waged against me,

Though many still oppose me.

God, who has ruled forever,

Will hear me and humble them” (Ps 55:16-19a).

 David purged the clutter from his soul and found Truth. That‘s what we need to do with our feelings.

Let’s boldly admit when we don’t have it all together.

Humbly own our failures and shortcomings.

Honestly express how we feel to our God, so He can lead us to the path of righteousness.

“Give your burdens to the Lord

and he will take care of you.

He will not permit the godly to slip and fall” (Ps 55:22).

I’m Tanya: Christian; wife of Nate; Mom of Aidan, Taryn, and Natalie; homeschooler, writer, bookworm, and introvert. In a life scarred by abandonment, uncertainty, and doubt, I seek honesty, community, and loyalty.  Join me at www.boldlytanya.com.

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