How to Forget the Past in Marriage and Move Forward

Inside: How many of us keep bringing up the past in our marriages? We need to leave the past behind and begin starting a new relationship in our marriage!

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As my husband and I sat in the marriage counseling appointment, I felt a little undone.

We weren’t supposed to be here.

I thought everything was going well (me being naïve) until my husband told me why things were going was not what he wanted.

I wanted something better too, I just didn’t feel as urgent as he felt.

I thought we could work on our issues later when the kids were gone when we weren’t so busy.

We’d resume our way. After all these years, we’d find our way back to each other. Or would we?!?

We had lost “us” in the midst of kids.

Conversations were interrupted by small voices, and date nights were rescheduled, or dropped due to babysitter mishaps.

Time spent together always felt rushed because we needed to get back to our brood.

Connection and communication just seemed like it was happening on different planes.

We weren’t filling each other’s buckets as lovers.

Trying to Diminish Problems

Can I be honest? The fact this all came to a head surprised me because I thought things were ok.

I guess I had just thought this was how a godly marriage was with a family, the busyness of life, and exhaustion from trying to keep everything together.

Walking into meeting Michelle, our therapist, I had a feeling of disappointment or maybe even a twinge of shame.

Our marriage was supposed to be better.

Did we really need help?

Did this mean things were broken beyond repair?

Getting to Know Each Other Again: Starting a New Relationship

Here’s what I’ve been learning as we regularly meet with Michelle.

Relationships change.

They are not static.

How we related before kids, after one kid, after two kids, etc. changes, and accepting that each other is different might be hard to swallow.

It’s like we are constantly starting a new relationship as we go through seasons of life.

We may even see things we really don’t like about our partner. And the same is true of us, they might see things that aren’t pleasing either.

Our relationship changes through kids getting older, leaving the nest, and then as a couple without kids.

Rather than looking at the homework from the appointments as too much work to change and adapt to, it’s a chance to fall in love again, find the best in each other, and learn to grow stronger together.

I’ve learned a lot about myself and the things I need to work on when my husband explains his feelings about me and how I interact with him.

This wife has missed the mark so many times. Some of the time, I’m not even aware of the tone, body language, or messages I’m sending him.

How Do We Move Forward

Starting a New Relationship

Many people would probably come to the conclusion that their spouse and they aren’t a “match” any longer. Some might think changing and adapting is too much work and decide to throw in the towel.

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