10 Great Fight tips: How you Fight with your Spouse Matters

Inside: How we fight with our spouse has effects on the success of our marriage and our own personal health. Learn these 10 fight tips to resolve a conflict.

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Want to Fight Better with your Husband, 10 Fight Tips to Help You!How we fight with our spouse has effects on the success of our marriage and our own personal health. Learn these 10 fight tips to resolve a conflict. #tips #prayer #truths #God #thoughts #marriage

A few years ago, my husband and I were headed into serious marital troubles. We fought in two different ways. He wanted to stay calm and talk it out, I, on the other hand, wanted to let my words flow and rip and then I’d cross my arms and storm away issuing the silent treatment.

The next day, I’d act like nothing was wrong. However, my words had wounded my husband’s heart.

One of the worst fights we had, I said I wanted a divorce. Of course, this wasn’t really how I felt, but these words re-injured a wound from my husband’s past. He had grown up watching his parents fight and divorce. Those memories had wounded his heart.

And here I was throwing darts into this wound.

Honestly, our fight about our marriage was what I wanted without asking how he felt.

Conflicts are a Part of Marriage

The fact of the matter is, conflicts and arguments are bound to happen in any human relationship. We are sinful after all. In the Garden of Eden before the Fall, Adam and Eve were in perfect harmony with each other.

After sin entered, so did arguments. I’m sure a lot of the arguments Adam and Eve had, we are still repeating today.

Did you know, how you fight matters to the success of your marriage? #marriage #conflictresolution Click To Tweet

A study done by Brigham Young University concluded that the more arguments couples have the greater the risk of divorce and decrease in health. So not only does the way we fight lead to our chances of divorce, but it can affect our overall health and longevity.

If we want our marriages to last long-term, we need to learn how to agree to disagree.

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The Two Ways to Fight

Destructive behaviors in fighting are yelling, insulting, not listening and criticizing. The person issuing this type of behavior usually feel right and isn’t open to seeing the other person’s point of view. It’s my way or the highway.

Constructive behaviors, on the other hand, involves actively listening, discussing the problem and working for a resolution, and saying nice things that build the other person up.

Here’s the thing, when one spouse fights in one of these behaviors and the other spouse fights in the other behavior, rarely is there resolution. Resentment grows and this conflict is repeated over and over again.

(Ephesians 4:26-27, NLT).

26 And “don’t sin by letting anger control you.” Don’t let the sun go down while you are still angry, 27 for anger gives a foothold to the devil.

Conflicts Bring Growth

Conflicts in our marriages can be a door opening for the devil, therefore it’s pertinent we learn the right way to resolves arguments. #christianmarriage #conflictresolution Click To Tweet

Both spouses need to practice constructive behavior in fighting.

While most couples would like to stay as far away as they can from conflicts in their relationships, these periods are opportunities for growth. Through conflict, we can reach deeper intimacy with our spouse and we have the chance to exhibit God’s grace.

When we connect more with our spouse, this emotional connectedness flows into the bedroom. As you can see when we choose to resolve conflict, it affects the future success of our marriage.

The question of all questions when conflict arises:

What can I do to make you feel better about me and our relationship?

This question shifts the conversation to the big picture instead of focusing on the small, irritating things. The question also removes desires and expectations into reality.

Want to Fight Better with your Husband, 10 Fight Tips to Help You!How we fight with our spouse has effects on the success of our marriage and our own personal health. Learn these 10 fight tips to resolve a conflict. #tips #prayer #truths #God #thoughts #marriage

10 Fight Tips:

  • Don’t run from conflict.
  • Remember expectations aren’t real.
  • Slow down, take your time.
  • Cool off, the heat of the moment can cause us to say foolish things.
  • Speak with a purpose in mind: you can’t take back words that wound and tear.
  • Don’t blame the other person
  • Share your feelings, listen to the other person’s feelings
  • Write out your issues
  • Acknowledge feelings and point of view
  • You’re a team, not two individual teams.

Conflicts Give us a Chance to Witness

Obviously, in relationships, you aren’t going to resolve the conflict the same way your spouse does. Striking a balance where you can work through issues and use it to grow more together is the key.

Having another couple to model how to resolve disagreements in marriage can be helpful since most of us didn’t grow up around healthy conflict resolution.

We need to work at working through and forgiving our spouse because remember God forgives us for any wrong we do against Him. Forgiving our spouse and working to connect is where we can living out our faith. We choose to love our spouse and forgive him.

Our spouse will make mistakes and hurt us and the same applies to us. We are able to forgive because God always forgives us.

(Ephesians 4:32, NLT).

32 Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.

It has taken a handful of years to practice and resolve conflict in more productive ways in my marriage. Does it mean I have it down pat? No, but every conflict is a way to practice these tips and grow as individuals and also as a couple.

Learning these fight tips have increased the connection in my marriage and have contributed to 19 years and counting in my marriage.

33 thoughts on “10 Great Fight tips: How you Fight with your Spouse Matters

  1. My husband and I are still learning how to navigate disagreements, but I totally understand the frustration when you fight different ways. Thankfully, we both like talking things out until they’re resolved. That means really long conversations at times, so we’re trying to work on how to better explain what we’re feeling without dragging it out forever!

  2. I remember the time I too threatened divorce. The look my husbands face still breaks my heart to this day. We started our marriage off by not letting the Lord lead. We didn’t lean on the Lord for understanding and we never prayed or read the bible together (if at all). We loved each other and we wanted our marriage to work and thank God the more we read and surrounded ourselves with other Christian married couples the more we started to see our flaws and that our marriage needed that third strand…Jesus! He made our marriage stronger to where we were constructive listeners with each other rather than destructive. Do we still have disagreements and hiccups? Of course, but how we handle and approach them when they happen is totally different now. Thank you for this article, pinning this <3

    1. Stephanie- thank you for sharing your experience, where you were at the beginning of marriage and where you’re at now. God can work in our hearts to help us in marital conflict!

  3. “Speak with a purpose in mind: you can’t take back words that wound and tear.” – This is my favorite one from your list! When we get caught up in the moment we forget the bigger picture of our marriage and what it represents. This is a great post!

  4. I love your point on forgiveness. I’ve heard it said that “a great marriage is made of two great forgivers”. So hard… but so true! Thanks so much for this post!

  5. I’ve always been a “take out the gloves” kind of fighter. My husband and I read The 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work when we were courting and it has helped guide our hard times over these last 14 years. love this post as a great reminder to fight fair.

  6. I love the tip: “Slow down, take your time”. I would say this is the number one thing we have changed in conflicts and fights. Instead of rushing to a conclusion, or rushing to get the other one to apologize, we changed the goal of the fight. The goal is to find God’s truth to help us heal and move forward. Sometimes, this takes a while. <3

  7. Yes to all this! I remember the session in our pre-martial counseling class about learning to fight fair and it was so helpful! The teachers warned us about the temptation to throw the “d-word” out in anger and how we wouldn’t be able to take it back and I’ve always remembered that. I definitely think fighting well is a life long learning process that we probably won’t even master, so I appreciate these reminders.

  8. These are fantastic tips. It is so easy to just be hurt and bent out of shape during conflict, but that rarely solves anything. I had never thought about how conflict gives us a chance to witness! Thanks for sharing.

  9. These are really great tips. I’m a shout it out kinda person too but my husband isn’t so it takes a lot for both of us to meet in the middle. However since having a kid, we’ve found that little arguments just fade away as they seem unimportant when a little one is smiling in your face and the bigger ones are discussed later when we’re both calmer. A great tip from our marriage prep course was to not phrases words like “you ALWAYS do this…” so only deal with the situation at hand. Probably ties in with the blame advice you’ve given!

  10. I love these tips so much! It is so important to SLOW down and not say hurtful things out of anger… And it is absolutely essential it is to have grace and forgiveness to our spouse, because we ourselves are undeserving of God’s forgiveness yet because of Christ we are forgiven! Thank you for the great tips!

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